Going Bald

Going bald is like always having a bad haircut.

It's watching furtive glances dart across your scalp rather than your face.

It's looking much older than you feel.

It means swallowing your pride to play video games.

It is telling yourself you are more manly than most men since male patterned baldness is related to an overproduction of testosterone.

It's wondering why extra testosterone would lead to a gene that repels the opposite sex.

It's having everyone tell you your hair looks good when you don't style it because it looks more full being dry and pushed down.

It's starting a hat collection.

It's worrying about your hats making more of your hair fall out.

It's considering a fedora.

It's keeping a skull cap on indoors.

It's hating white pillow cases.

It's hating all pillow cases.

It means getting in shape because the only thing that is worse than bald, is bald and fat.

It's noticing other men's hair.

It's threatening to punch anyone in the face that wants to rub your head for luck.

It's being called sir all the time.

It's upsetting your mother who sees herself aging through your scalp.

It means a $3 container of gel lasts a year.

It's wondering if other bald men signal each other like motorcyclists on the road.

It's not changing the Hair Club for Men commercials.

It's becoming furious when you see the hair paint infomercial.

It's being happy you're already married.

It's wondering if you're a faster swimmer.

It's a beacon of freedom for birds and a Dateline special for men.

It means not having your ID checked at the bar, grocery store, or gas station.

It's avoiding tall women.

It's walking up stairs quickly.

It's avoiding birds at all times.

It's reflecting the sun.

It's a peeling scalp that looks like greasy dandruff.

It's wondering what sunscreen will do to the hair you still have.

It's regretting wearing a buzz cut in high school.

It's considering shoplifting Rogaine since it is $60 a bottle.

It's being pitched all kinds of crap from your barber who won't shut up about your thinning hair.

It's laughing when people say you have soft hair.

It's keeping a comb around for sentimental reasons.

It's waking up and checking if any grew back.

It's leaving the itch on your scalp alone.

It's becoming a Bruce Willis fan for a whole new reason.

It's dealing with people who feel like they are doing you a service to point it out.

It's calculating how much money you will save by cutting your own hair.

It's never taking a picture while seated.

It's always keeping your chin up.

It's avoiding middle school kids.

It's loving your gray hair.

It's hating Billy Corgan.

It's only playing pool with people you know.

It's assuming fresh fruit is mocking you.

It's a race against time.

It's inevitable.